The Annual Ritual

So I'm working on my taxes today, grumbling to myself the whole time. Preparing my taxes is an absolute ordeal. I actually took a vacation day just to devote to getting them done. And of course the real reason for grumbling is because of the outcome. Man, do I get taken to the cleaners. Between federal tax, state tax, real property tax, personal property tax, gasoline tax, and just regular old sales tax (did I leave something out?), there ain't much left at the end of the month. And then I have to listen to The Great Redistributionist telling me he wants to make things even worse.

I'm told there used to be loopholes. If that's so, I've never found one. I think all those people who got their MBA's in the 80's applied their learnings to the tax code and closed them all.

So as I was trudging my way through Turbulent Tax, the programmers offered me a glimmer of hope. I came across this screen titled "College Tuition and other Fees". The subtitle said "We'll help you get a tax break for tuition or other fees paid to a college or vocational school for yourself or your dependents. I said to myself, "hey, I'm paying for three college educations right now, I should be able to get a break here!" My heart was pounding as I fumbled with the mouse to answer the question, "Did you pay tuition or other fees in 2008? YES, I clicked confidently and boldly. My mind was racing so fast I began to see the flicker of the computer screen; my neurons were being triggered by every refresh of the 50 megahertz LCD. My palms were so sweaty the mouse slipped out of my hand like a bar of soap in a Japanese bath house (I made that part up). Then, it was as if the world just slowed down-I was in the zone, hyper-focused. Everything was in slow motion, just like in the movies. As the next screen refreshed line by line, from the bottom up, and as the Red-Green-Blue pixels were electronically excited in just the right way to form those Arabic alphabet characters, everything started to go blurry. My eyes were tearing up as I read: You Can't Claim Tuition and Other Fees. Based on what you've entered so far, you can't claim tuition and other fees because... and I couldn't even read the ending because of the flood of salty rivulets streaming down my face, dripping into the keyboard. It was all just a cruel hoax, perpetrated by those insensitive, axis-of-evil programmers.

If I weren't a Mormon I would be calling for a tea party about now. Someone please pass the hot chocolate.